My 19 Week Pregnancy

I should be 21 weeks and 1 day pregnant with twins right now, but instead my heart and uterus are both empty.  I lost my precious babies at 19 weeks exactly, the morning of our anatomy scan that would finally confirm whether we were having two boys or a boy and a girl.  I had been anxiously awaiting that appointment since the day it was scheduled two months prior.  I imagined every scenario and even dreamt about the visit a handful of times, but it never crossed my mind that the experience would be ripped from me when we were so close.  The universe really can be cruel sometimes.

A urine test at the OB's office yesterday officially confirmed that all pregnancy hormones were out of my system, but my entire being still aches with loneliness.  I feel like a third of a person.  I don't know who I am anymore.  It's so crazy to think about who I was before this pregnancy compared to who I am now.  I was independent, hopeful, and innocent.  Now I'm so needy, lost, and empty that I barely recognize myself.  I get a little better each day, of course.  I've progressed from not being able to be in a room alone and not eating for days at a time to going back to work and taking long walks by myself.  People talk about how grief lifts with time and while you'll never forget, it does get easier to move on.  I hope they're right.  On the outside I look like I'm slowly putting myself together, but on the inside, I'm still a broken mess.

It's been two whole weeks since my miscarriage and I'm so shocked by how quickly the world moves on and forgets.  Time seems to continue ticking by for everyone else but me.  The days seem so long when grief makes it difficult to look forward to anything. People don't want to talk about my tragedy anymore.  If I bring up the babies, they immediately change the subject or give me an awkward hug and find a reason to leave.  I know they just want me to be happy and hate seeing me in pain.  Remembering what I lost makes them uncomfortable or sad and therefore they would rather pretend that my loss is just a single moment in time that fades like all memories do.  They want me to wake up one day and just be me again, but I don't think they understand that I will never fully recover from this.  I can't blame them.  They don't know what this pain feels like.  I sure as heck didn't before it happened to me.  I never could've imagined how heartbreaking it is to lose a pregnancy or a child.  But I will not forget the beautiful babies that I lost and I need to continue talking about my miscarriage as a way to heal and find hope for the future.  I can't do this with the usual people in my life unless I want to become a social pariah, so I am starting this blog with the hope that:

1. I can use it as an outlet for my grief, especially when I feel like I have no one to talk to or that there's no one who understands.
2. I can chronicle my experience so that when enough time has passed, I can look back on all the details of this journey and find positives to remember and hold on to during the rough times.
3. My babies will be remembered for the blessings that they were.
4. I can connect with others who have had similar losses and who understand my pain.  I know I'm not alone and I would desperately love to make friends with women who are currently needing the same kind of support that I do.

This whole process of moving on has turned out to be completely different than I imagined.  I'm a planner who doesn't like to be surprised, so naturally I had prepared myself during the first trimester for a miscarriage.  It was so hard to believe that we were finally pregnant after years of trying, I refused to get my hopes up until it was "safe."  Realistically, I knew there was no such thing as "safe" since my pregnancy was high-risk in general and adding twins to the mix just made things even more risky, but with each passing day I let go of a little more worry and anxiety.  At 10 weeks, 4 days, I came home from work and just started bleeding.  I was gushing blood and passed several large clots.  I thought for sure I was losing the babies.  I didn't understand why and I cried and cried as we waited our turn in the ER, but the bad news didn't cut to my core.  I was still hopeful we could try again.  I was sad, but not defeated.  Maybe it was because of all the walls I put up early on in my pregnancy.  Maybe my resistance to really enjoy my pregnancy at first gave my heart some extra protection.  I don't know.

It was a wonderful surprise when the ultrasound revealed that the babies looked perfectly fine and the bleeding was caused by a subchorionic hematoma.  No one could tell me why this happened, only that it left a 4 inch blood clot in the womb, which now added "threatened miscarriage" to my medical chart.  The doctor said the next few weeks would be telling and that I might lose them or I might be
totally fine.

Our Valentine's Day pregnancy announcement.

I continued to bleed some for the next month and a half, but eventually it went away.  With every scan, things looked good and the absence of blood really caused me to let my guard down.  We made it into the second trimester and I finally felt like this was for real.  We announced the pregnancy to our extended circle on Valentine's Day.  We painted the nursery, I bought a ton of boy clothes because a blood test told us we were having at least one boy.  I hoped and hoped that the other was a girl, despite the fact I kept having dreams that we were having two boys.  I wanted one of each so badly.  It felt like we were in the clear when I felt "baby b" kick.  Those magical flutters instantly bonded me to those two beings inside me in a way I never imagined possible.  I saw the same love instantly hit my husband when he put his hand on my belly and felt the baby too.  In the span of 5 short months, my life had suddenly become everything I had ever wanted it to be and I couldn't be happier.

Easter weekend came and I had that Friday and Monday off of work.  My father in law was visiting from out of town and the long weekend had been a whirlwind, full of sightseeing and walking in Nashville.  I had an undeniable belly and loved walking around showing it off.  I finally looked pregnant and not just fat!  That Saturday night, I felt really worn out.  I was cramping a little more than usual, but it was nothing major and there was no blood so I didn't see any cause for alarm.  I chalked it up to round ligament pain and told my husband I needed to go back to the hotel early to lay down and give my body a rest.  The next morning, we visited the home of President Andrew Jackson, which was right outside of Nashville.  We walked the grounds of his estate and gardens all morning and I still felt tired and achy.  Again, I just figured this was normal now that the babies were almost 20 weeks along and my body was having to adjust for their increasing sizes.

We began making the 3 hour drive home so we could rest up for the exciting anatomy scan we had scheduled for Monday.  When we were an hour away from my hospital, my water broke suddenly.  I felt the gush of fluid and instantly thought I was bleeding, just like I had at 10 weeks.  I didn't panic immediately because the doctor warned that the blood clot that was still in there would have to come out eventually.  However, when I saw the liquid was clear, I knew we were in trouble because that is a sign of labor.  The doctor on call confirmed my worst fear and told us to get to the hospital as soon as possible.  My husband drove like crazy to get me to the hospital and what normally should have been a 75 minute drive only took us a half hour!

Needless to say, I delivered two perfect little babies in the early morning hours on that Easter Monday.  A boy we named Beau and a girl we named Maisie.  I will have to write about the delivery another time because this post has been much more difficult to write than I expected.  But now my pregnancy story is out there for all of cyberspace to see and that brings me comfort in an odd way.

I know my story is not unique.  If you've stumbled upon my silly little blog because you've also had to deal with miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, then please know that you are not alone.  I know it might feel that way at first, but you're not.  Just try googling "I've had a miscarriage" and a limitless number of forums and blogs will pop up.  I'm more than happy to talk with anyone who needs to talk or to just listen if that is what you need.  I am starting this blog because I do not want to forget my babies or this experience, no matter how painful remembering might be.  They were only here for a little while, but they were fiercely and wildly loved, and I am truly grateful for the chance to be their mother.