Music about Miscarriages

Four weeks ago today at this time, I was at the hospital being told that the babies were coming and unfortunately "not viable."  That's the medically insensitive way of saying that they were not developed enough to survive in the outside world.

I can't believe it's been almost a month already.  My pregnancy seemed to progress at a snail's pace as I logged my feelings and symptoms each day on my pregnancy tracker app.  I anxiously awaited the second trimester when I could take a deep breath and finally feel like we were "safe."  I found out the hard way that there's no such thing as a pregnancy that's safe from unexpected tragedy.  When you think about how intricate and complex the whole process of bringing a human being into this world, let alone two at once, it's amazing any babies are born alive and without complications.  I guess that's why they refer to it as "the miracle of childbirth."

It's been rough going for me lately.  I guess my heart still isn't ready to accept that they've been gone for a whole month.  I miss them so much and have started sobbing hysterically at the weirdest moments this weekend.  One step forward, two steps back seems to be a good way to describe my journey with this grief.

I've been torturing myself with music that puts all my emotions into words in a way that I never could express, at least not so beautifully.  There are a few songs I want to mention by name because while they break my heart and make me cry every time I hear them, they bring me comfort in some way.  I can't explain it, but it's the power of music.  I'm awed by how much listening to a song that "gets me" and what I'm going through currently can speak to me and take away some of the heaviness in my chest.  I never heard these songs before Beau and Maisie, but I know that if I had, I wouldn't have fully understood the true beauty of the lyrics.

1. "I Would Die for That" by Kellie Coffey

This was apparently written by Kellie after she suffered a miscarriage.  This is EXACTLY how I feel.  My favorite parts are when she talks about just wanting a family like everyone else seems to have and being able to hear the words "I love you, Mom" just once before she dies.  The emptiness I feel when I see all my friends and relatives with their kids is more painful than I hope most people ever know.

2. "I Will Carry You" by Selah

I'm not religious.  I'm spiritual, but my beliefs do not align with the God-loving kind.  I bought this song and was almost disappointed as soon as I realized that it all revolved around faith, but honestly, it's become my favorite.  It can break me down like no other song.  The music is beautiful on its own, but the ending where God has her baby and shows her everything the mom wanted to show her and more really touches me.  I want so desperately to believe that there is someone out there who is taking care of my sweet babies right now and loves them as much as I do.  Of course the line, "I will carry you all my life," is also very powerful to me.

3. "Beam Me Up" by P!NK

This song has really grown on me.  I didn't really like the music at first, but I do now.  It expresses my desire to just be with my babies, wherever they are now.  The song is about a mother wanting to be beamed up to heaven so she can spend just a few minutes holding her baby.  The music when she sings, "Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it" and "Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter" is just beautiful.  Those are my favorite lyrics in the song because that pull to be with my babies is so strong some days, I think if they weren't cremated I would physically be pulled to their grave site.  If I could hold my babies I don't know what I'd be able to say in just a minute or two, so I get why she says she'd just hold them and love them.  I'm also so sick of being expected to be strong.  I really am tired of being a fighter.  I'm broken right now and I don't know how much longer I can keep up this charade that I'm coping.

I've downloaded a few other songs to put on my "Heartbroken" song list, but these three are the ones I play on repeat when I'm feeling like I really need to release my pent-up emotions and just cry and hurt for my lost babies.  Someday I'd like to be able to sing these songs without breaking down, but that definitely won't be anytime soon.  This Thursday is going to be difficult, being the month anniversary of their births and deaths.  I am dreading it.  My heart's already broken so much, I don't know how it can handle much more.  I would be lying if I said there weren't days when I secretly wish that it will just stop beating already so I can be with my babies. </3