3 Weeks

It's been 3 weeks since we lost Beau and Maisie and I've reached the point in my grieving process where I have good days and bad days.  Still mostly bad days, but I have made it a few days where I didn't actually cry.  Every little thing reminds me of them and I still think about them constantly, but I think my heart is beginning to numb itself.  Either that, or I'm getting stronger.

I never noticed how prevalent babies and pregnancy are in our society until after I lost the twins.  Now it's difficult to turn on the TV, which used to be my favorite way to zone out after a long day at work.  This week, my husband and I sat down to catch up on some recorded shows that we haven't watched since I was pregnant.  'The Last Man on Earth' was all about babies and pregnancy as two of the main characters decide it's time to repopulate the earth.  Anna on 'Downton Abbey' is finally preggers after multiple miscarriages, but a doctor decides to give her a stitch to keep her uterus closed and voila! All good.  That one is hard because we watched that show right after we found out we were finally pregnant and I really related to Anna's struggle to have a baby.  And even 'Brooklyn 99' which is usually just a fluff comedy, has gotten to me.  One of the cops has to go undercover in a woman's prison and her cover to see her partner so often is that she is 8 months pregnant and he is her obstetrician.  She has a big fake bump and while in the prison, her partner, who has been undergoing fertility treatments, learns that he and his girlfriend have finally been approved for adoption.  Something else we had spent a lot of time discussing after each failed fertility round. There's also a new RAV4 car commercial that is on every channel, which kills me because we actually talked about upgrading vehicles before the twins came.  In the commercial, a couple is talking about how their life is all about adventure and they need a car that fits that lifestyle.  At the end, they turn sideways and you see they each have a baby on their back and they make some comment about how twins are the ultimate adventure.  It. Is. Everywhere.  Is it so bad to just want to forget about the pain for just a few minutes?

So, I've been avoiding TV and trying to get out and walk more and do more yard work.  The only problem with that is it gives me quiet time to think and sometimes my thoughts can't leave the twins and I get overwhelmed with grief.  Guess it's a lose-lose either way and I'll just have to suck it up and get through it.

On a positive note, I've been making plans to create a memorial shelf for the babies.  It will hold their urn, their framed footprints, and any little related knick-knacks I find along the way.  One of the thing I stumbled upon was this beautiful figurine that literally makes me cry every time I look at it.  I am just so drawn to it because I feel like it does an amazing job at displaying the grief that goes along with losing two babies.  This sculpture just gets me and what I've been through.  I posted it on Facebook with a plea for my husband to buy it for me (nothing like a little public pressure to do the trick!), but my very generous aunt offered to get it for us.  I'm so thankful that I'll have such a beautiful reminder of my babies and this hard time in our lives.  I know one day it will bring me peace to look at it.  The artist who makes these has a whole line of miscarriage/infant loss memorial figurines.  She really does beautiful work.  You can see her Etsy shop HERE.

Physically, other than being emotional all the time (which is nothing new), I have been experiencing some strong cramping.  I only had a little bit for a few days after delivery, but the cramps are back with a vengeance.  The doctor says it's too early for a period and this is just my body's way of cleaning everything out and preparing for normal cycles again.  My bleeding has been minimal, but consistent every since giving birth.  I've read that cramps can last up to 2 months after a miscarriage or stillbirth.  I really hope that isn't the case for me, because I find the pain makes it harder to function.  With every cramp, I'm reminded of delivering my beautiful babies and walking out of that hospital without them.  I have enough emotional reminders already; I don't really need physical ones now too.

I just have to keep moving forward, one breath, one day at a time.  Some days are easier than others, but there's no way to avoid the bad days so I just need to embrace the pain and remember my babies as the beautiful blessings they were.