2 Months Gone

I've been meaning to get on here and update my journey, but I keep procrastinating.  I've been in this zone where I can go a few hours without being crushed by grief.  Blogging just opens me up and takes me to a place where I cry and I guess I've been trying to avoid that.  Today is the two month anniversary of the twins' birth/death though, so I'm forcing myself to check in.  Each day that goes by, I can go a little longer without being overwhelmed by how much I miss them.  That being said, there has not been one single day that I have not thought about Beau and Maisie constantly.  They're never far from my thoughts and every little thing suddenly seems to remind me of them.  I was so worried about forgetting them, but I see now that that will never be possible.  I'm grateful for that.

In the past month I have survived Mother's Day and a 10 day visit with family that included a 15 month old staying in my house.  A local infant loss group was hosting a picnic for bereaved mothers and their families the Saturday of Mother's Day weekend.  I really wanted to go and had been telling my husband about it since I found out a week earlier.  He didn't take off work though, which really hurt my feelings.  I chickened out and ended up not going, which I do kind of regret.  I want to meet other women who have gone through something similar because so far, I haven't found many people who really seem to understand what this has all been like.  I've gone to two Share meetings at a local church, but so far I've been the only one to show up.  I've appreciated the man who leads the group staying to talk with me about my journey, but I'd be lying if I said it hasn't been awkward.  Hopefully someone else shows up next month or I might not go again.

On Mother's Day, I woke up and instantly called my mother to get it over with.  I was fully expecting her to tell me something about it being my day too, but she didn't.  I said, "Hey, Mom.  Happy Mother's Day," and all she said was, "Thanks, Becky."  That kind of stung.  I guess I was hoping for a simple "you too" or something to that effect.  A colleague of mine did give me a hug the Friday before and told me that she would be thinking of me this weekend because I was as much of a mother as anyone else.  I was really touched by that.  It's funny how the people you expect empathy from sometimes disappoint, while others you'd never even think of step up and provide comfort.  Overall, the weekend could have been much worse.

Enduring Mother's Day was a breeze compared to my brother- and sister-in-law's visit. Seeing a baby in my house-the same house where I imagined twins would wobble and squeal down the hall- almost killed me.  I can't describe enough how much I wanted my babies to be doing the things that my nephew was doing- taking a bath, chasing the cats, playing in the backyard.  What made the situation even worse was that my husband's family showed no empathy whatsoever towards me or what I must possibly be going through.  In fact, the second night they were here, my sister-in-law got confrontational and asked me why I didn't love her son when I refused to babysit while she and her husband went out on a date night.  I just tried to softly explain that this was all very difficult for me while she stared me down with cold eyes that clearly showed my excuse wasn't good enough for her.  What I was screaming in my head was "NO! I DO NOT WANT TO PLAY FUCKING HOUSE WITH YOUR BABY WHEN MY BABIES DIED NOT EVEN TWO MONTHS AGO!" Seeing my husband be the perfect uncle to his nephew was so incredibly bittersweet.  He was patient and fun, just like I always knew he would be with Beau and Maisie.  I couldn't help but be thankful that I had a job to go to part of the time they were here because I needed an escape so badly.  That visit was harder than I ever anticipated it would be, but I made it through and I suppose I am stronger for it.

Last month we bought and assembled a shelf that serves as a memorial to Beau and Maisie.  Our plan is that each month that passes, we will add something to the shelf that either reminds us of them or is something we think they would have liked.  I need to remember to take a picture and post it on here next month.  Right now we have their urn and several other little figurines/toys on the shelf.  Today we added two small picture frames that display their footprints.  I hate feet in general, but those prints really touch me.  Beau had my feet and Maisie had her dad's.  It was just one of those immediately identifiable characteristics that solidified the fact that these were our babies.  We made them and they each had little parts of us.  It makes me wonder what other similarities we would have shared.  I guess I'll never know.